04-30 Early Symptoms

Tonight we went out to a nightclub. I didn't want anything to drink. I'm not an alcoholic or anything, but since I rarely drink at home, I hardly ever pass up the opportunity elsewhere, whenever we go out. But that night the very thought of alcohol made me slightly ill, and I stuck to soda. This continued.

05-05 More Symptoms

All this week, my breasts have been extremely sore, as bad as they were the first month I was on the Clomid. Also, they seem to have suddenly swelled another couple of cup sizes. This, along with my sudden distaste for alcohol, gets me to wondering, so even though it hasn't been two weeks yet, I go ahead and take a home pregnancy test, just in case. It turns out negative.

05-08 We're Pregnant!

By the next weekend, we had finally reached a two-week mark, so that afternoon I went ahead and took another home pregnancy test, expecting nothing. Several cycles before, I had gotten my hopes up over similar symptoms, only to have it be nothing. So when I went back three minutes later and saw that little pink line in the result window on the test, I couldn't believe my eyes. I just stood and stared at it, completely speechless. Then I went ballistic, jumping up and down. I ran into Brian's office and said, "Guess what?" Then I held it in front of him to look, not realizing he couldn't see the lines. He said, "What, what is it, I can't see it." I said, "It's positive!" Then I burst into tears.

Brian didn't believe it at first either. I didn't understand his seemingly complete lack of emotion, until I asked him about it. He said, "Couldn't it be a false positive?" I tried to explain to him that there almost is no such thing as a false positive, and when you do have one it's usually because of a previous pregnancy. I even took another test the next day, which also came out positive. That seemed to make him feel a little better.

05-12 Double check

Women who have my condition, polycystic ovarian syndrome, often do not produce enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy once it is established. After all, the problem was a lack of hormones in the first place. So I went in to the doctor's office to let the vampires suck out some blood for testing. They ran a pregnancy test, of course, and confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. They also checked my progesterone levels, and they were actually even higher than average for this stage of the pregnancy. So everything was looking good!

05-24 Midwife visit

Anybody who has talked to me in the past knows how much I've wanted a home birth. Now that I was pregnant, there didn't seem to be anything to stop me, so we made our first visit to the midwife we picked out. She's a wonderful lady, and she really helped to put some of Brian's worries to rest. She spent a lot of time with us, much more than we would have gotten from a regular doctor. We went over my diet and how I was feeling, and she weighed me and did a urine test for sugar and protein and stuff. Then she tried to hear the baby's heartbeat with a Doppler device, but it was still too early and we couldn't pick anything up. We left with a big stack of books from her lending library.

05-26 6 weeks -- TRIPLETS???

Today I made an appointment with my regular obstetrician for an ultrasound. The midwife didn't do these, and I wanted "fetal pictures" of the baby for each trimester. The doctor treated it as a regular first prenatal visit, complete with Pap smear, cultures, and blood and urine tests. So it took a little while to get to the actual ultrasound. But soon enough I was settled in the room, the lights were out, and we were ready to take that first look at baby.

The first thing the doctor said as he started to look around was, "Now this doesn't look right." That is definitely the wrong thing to say to a newly-expectant mom!

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, it looks like you have more than one in here," he said. What?????

He showed me the separate circles on the screen that indicated more than one egg sac, four in all. Only three had the flickering heartbeats; the fourth didn't appear to have developed. As soon as I saw those three heartbeats, I started crying. After so long of trying, not only was I pregnant, now I had three babies. The nurse had to hand me a handful of kleenex to mop up the tears. The doctor continued to check for a long time, counting and counting, because he couldn't believe it. After all, he had only seen one follicle developing. Finally he printed out a picture of each, right, left, and left front low, and I got dressed.

Well, at that point a home birth was out of the question, so they started handing me all the papers they give expectant moms and told me to come back in four weeks. I still had to get some blood drawn on the way out, and I was absolutely incoherent the whole time, laughing and crying.

I called Brian on my way out of the building and told him to meet me behind his office when I got there. I didn't say why. I picked him up and parked in a far corner of the parking lot. I had folded the ultrasound pictures up so you could only see one at a time. Once we had parked, I showed him the first picture, with the others folded behind it, and said, "Here's your baby." He "oohed" and "aahed" for a while, and I let him look. When he handed the picture back to me, I unfolded it to show two and said, "And here's your other baby."

He said, "What???" and started looking at the second picture. "You're joking, right?" But he thought it was neat; he'd said before he wanted identical twins.

"And here's your other baby," and I unfolded to show all three pictures. That floored him! He thought, "Oh shit!"

For about the next week, we were speechless around each other. We went around the house saying, "Three!" in awed voices. "Three babies!" It took a long time to sink in. It hasn't completely yet.

07-08 Not feeling like a mother

I don't feel like a mother. I certainly don't feel like what society "expects" mothers to be. I definitely don't feel like my mother. I can't hardly even believe this is real.

Part of it, I'm sure, is just because I had completely given up on my chances of getting pregnant by the time I actually got pregnant. I was so tired of the constant disappointment, so if I didn't hope at all I didn't get disappointed. Now I can't believe it.

I'm still a Metallica fan. I'm Wiccan. I have a tattoo, two rings in each ear and a ring in my nose (in fact I plan to have my children's names tatooed on). I don't believe in government school. I hardly ever cook real meals (although my main excuse, "I work too", won't really fly anymore!). I never wear hairspray. I go all the way to San Antonio for great late night parties. I stay up late at night and sleep late in the morning. I read science fiction and fantasy. I think soap operas are for the brain-dead. When I'm lonely or bored I ponder the meaning of quantum physics and what my alternate selves are doing now.

I like who I am and I'm proud of it. I don't want to change it. But I don't see women like me. If they're out there, they're keeping quiet.

I guess I just feel lonely. Most of my friends have been guys, so there's certainly no sympathy from that quarter! Maybe that's my problem. How do I go from being one of the guys to being a mother?

07-11 Wedding ring blues

I took my rings off just a couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant, because I could already feel them getting a little snug (I had lost weight before so they were loose) and I didn't want to forget about it and get stuck with them on. Last week I was feeling really good one day and got all dressed up, makeup and everything, just for the heck of it, and figured why not, I'll put on my rings. I think I'm lucky they came off at all at the end of the day! It'd be nice to get a pregnancy ring, but we can't afford anything real, and I can't wear fake jewelry, it literally disintegrates on me within days. It'll be interesting to see if that 6-year-old groove in my finger goes away, though.

07-16 Planning a healthy triplet pregnancy

After all the research and reading I've done, I've decided that I need to gain 75 pounds by the end of the pregnancy to help ensure that I have some big babies. It sounds like a lot, but it's not really when you consider the recommendation for one baby is usually around 25 pounds or more. The only problem is, even though I get hungry and even just get the munchies, nothing sounds good to eat. I'll stand in front of the pantry, feeling like I'm starving to death, and everything I can see nauseates me to think about. Often I'll just have Brian pick something out, and then make myself eat that. I never feel like I'm eating enough, and I watch the scale like a hawk!

We've decided that if these babies don't decide to make an appearance sooner, we will schedule them to be born sometime between Christmas and New Year's. After Christmas, they will be past 37 weeks, and should be fully developed. This way, they shouldn't need to spend any time in the NICU. However, we don't want them to go too much farther, because we've heard of problems with deterioration of the uterine environment when triplets stay in too long. So if we go before New Year's, not only do we get three bundles of joy, but we get three joyous tax breaks!

One of the things we are concerned about is the amount of time the babies will have to spend in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). The doctor says a rough guess is usually they stay until their original due date, but that's just a statistic. They will go into NICU if they are too small, if their lungs are not fully developed, if they can't regulate their body temperature, or if they have not developed the sucking reflux (which emerges around week 34, I believe). Then they stay in NICU until all those factors are taken care of. My goal is to keep them out, and if we make it to 37 weeks then that will probably happen.

Of course, the doctor thinks we're crazy to try going to 37 weeks. He expects them at 32 weeks, and he says that is standard, but it also include statistics from before there was research done into how to make those babies stay in a little longer. I've been in contact with a couple of supertwin organizations, and I've run across a surprisingly large number of triplets who were born at 36 weeks or later. This percentage appears to be growing. There are basically three things that all of these women share in common: nutrition, bedrest, and weight gain. The biggest part of nutrition is getting enough protein, 150 to 200 grams a day. Very difficult. The rest of the nutrition is just common sense eating right, and you'll get enough nutrients through trying to get all that protein! The bedrest starts off slowly at 20 weeks and increases throughout the rest of the pregnancy. As I've mentioned, weight gain is between 50 and 80 pounds, and I'm aiming for 75, just to be on the safe side. I don't really care how hard it is to lose later if it makes my babies healthy.

At 20 weeks I will go on partial or modified bedrest. Basically I plan to stay in bed and only get up to answer the door, go to the bathroom, and take a shower. No cooking, no cleaning, and definitely no leaving the house. This is a little beyond what my doctor has mentioned so far, but again, I'm erring on the side of caution based on the information I have gathered on my own. More restrictive bedrest will depend on how the pregnancy goes. Generally speaking, I'll probably be put on strict bedrest (only going to the bathroom) eventually, and finish off with being in the hospital on a bedpan for a period of time before they're born, probably with tocolytic therapy. But it won't be so bad, because we're not getting taken surprised by the bedrest, so we are doing a LOT of planning now to make it go smoothly and painlessly. Figuring out how to get all the electronics (computer, TV, VCR, stereo) arranged efficiently is turning out to be the hardest part. If anybody has any suggestions at all on this one, I'm wide open. We haven't been able to figure out anything we really like.

07-17 Planning for bedrest

I think the egg must have split once, and then one half split again, if the babies are identical. At least, none of my biology teachers ever told me a cell could split three ways at once! Brian would just love to have identical babies.

I think we've finally worked out an arrangement for bedrest. We got a bedtray that will go over my legs that I can put a keyboard on, with the mouse at my side. I'm also going to get a plain lapdesk (the kind with the pillows on the bottom) for writing and stuff. We'll put the little fridge next to the bed, and get a set of those plain (& cheap!) plastic shelves and set those up over it for me to set stuff on. We'll put the entertainment center in the bedroom for now and set it up on the far wall. Then we need to get a rolling cart of some sort to put the computer, monitor, and VCR on (and an extra-long cable to connect the VCR to the TV). I think this will work, and it doesn't require buying too much new furniture, just the shelves and the cart.

I'll still be online through all this. I've been online constantly since I was 14 years old, I think I'd go into withdrawal without it! Starting out our marriage on limited resources (read welfare) we got real good at running cables and wires all over the house without letting the blind guy trip on them. But we won't have to have two phone lines anymore; the apartments we're moving into next month are pre-wired for T1 access through a company called Broadband Now. Or we could go with the cable company, but this company will be cheaper both to set up and maintain.

I just can't imagine going on bedrest with no warning! It's taken me most of two months to figure all this stuff out!

07-18 Feeling the babies move

I can already feel the babies moving around, quite a bit sometimes. It feels like a "thumping" inside my tummy. Every day it gets more distinct, more definite. It's hard to describe exactly what it feels like. Sometimes it's like gas or just general intestinal movement, only I know it's not because my intestines aren't in that spot anymore. When they move around really hard, it feels like a muscle twitch. It always fascinates me. Right now, I only feel one movement every once in a while. Whenever I feel them, I always catch my breath and wait for another, but it doesn't come. I can't wait until they move around a lot.

One kind of funny thing that I've noticed is that I hold my belly when I cough or sneeze. This is partly because I am losing all semblance of muscle tone in that area, and it's quite uncomfortable when it gets pushed out by a sneeze. The other reason, of course, is that sad side effect of pregnancy...if I don't, I might pee in my pants!

07-19 Ultrasound pictures

I'm looking forward to my next appointment on Wednesday. I'll be far enough along then that I'm hoping the doctor will be able to tell the sexes. I'm really getting spoiled; every time I go in I get an ultrasound, and pictures and video to take home with me. I don't know what I'm going to do in a normal pregnancy later on, without that constant reassurance. High-risk is becoming normal to me; I don't know anything else. We've been able to tell, though, that the babies definitely aren't sharing sacs. This is good; monoamniotic twins, as it's called, is actually very dangerous. The key sign will be if they are sharing a placenta, but they won't be able to tell until later on.

07-21 Sleep and a doctor's visit

Lately, I feel like my life revolves around sleep. I get 7 or 8 hours a night before I have to take Brian to work, then usually wind up taking at least a 3 hour nap in the afternoon sometime, and I'm still tired in the evenings, although I usually manage to stay up then while Brian's home. Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep... complete with nightmares of finding a fourth baby! The doctor insists there isn't a fourth baby. But I'm already as big as a normal six month pregnancy.

I had another doctor's visit this morning. Found out we're still not going to every 2 weeks until after the next one. I'm way too impatient! We couldn't see as much this time, because they're too big to see good with the vaginal and not quite big enough to see real good with the abdominal. We took a quick look with the vaginal ultrasound, and that looked very strange! We could only see the bottom baby, and we could see everything, skeleton, eye sockets...that baby looked like an alien. We did get some video and they're all growing and kicking. We were able to hear one heartbeat at 144 with the Doppler.

We now have a Level III ultrasound scheduled for 20 weeks. That ought to be fun! The Level III will be able to see a lot more details (including the sex!).

07-22 Random thoughts

I guess it's not too surprising that I'm already feeling the babies move. From what I've been reading, moms of multiples feel movement much earlier than moms of single babies. It's not uncommon for twins to be felt around 12 weeks, and I would swear I've been feeling flutters since 10 weeks. I just love feeling them kick!

We're very fortunate to have terrific insurance through Brian's work. The insurance will pay for everything, even the hospitalization of the babies, with just one up-front copay. I can't imagine doing this without the insurance. They'll pay for anything, because they haven't dealt with triplets before, so whatever the doctor says is necessary is okay by them.

I still keep having dreams of finding another baby in there. It's scary sometimes, worse than finding out about three in the first place. I guess it's to be expected, though.

07-24 Separate babies, separate people

Brian and I have been married for five years, and when we got married we said we would wait five years before having children. It worked out perfect, even though we started trying a year early. The first few months we were on the fertility drugs, my mother kept saying I was too young to have kids, or she was too young to be a grandmother. But she is so excited about having triplet grandchildren; she tells everybody she sees, I think.

This week, when the babies move, I can actually tell which one is moving. There will be a distinct flutter in one part of my belly, then later a flutter in a completely different part. How fascinating!

I've always done lots of handwork--knitting, crochet, cross-stitch, hardanger, tatting...Almost anything involving a needle and thread, except crewel embroidery, I never liked that much. The first week I knew I was pregnant, I crocheted a layette, with a jacket, a hat, booties, and a blanket. I finished the whole thing in a week. That was before I knew there were three. Now I'm really busy. I want to do birth records for all three of the babies, and that is going to take quite a while.

We have named the babies Lefty, Sleepy, and Frisky. Lefty is on my left side, and he hasn't done anything really interesting in the ultrasounds yet, so we couldn't think of anything better to call him. Sleepy is down low in the front, and is almost always asleep during the ultrasounds, and he seems to like to wake up late at night. Frisky is on my right side and is always moving, hardly ever seems to sleep, and he wriggled around so much during one ultrasound the doctor couldn't get a clear measurement of him. They will stay in the same spots for the whole pregnancy because they're in separate sacks, so they're pretty much anchored to one spot.

07-25 Parenting classes

Hopefully the doctors will be able to tell the babies apart at birth. In other words, we'll know who was Lefty and who was Sleepy. Since they are in separate sacs, they should stay in the same place and be identifiable. Plus, the later ultrasounds will be able to judge weight fairly accurately. Since it's unlikely that any of them will be the same weight, we can tell who's who by that if there's any question.

They say that parenting classes are good for getting a feel for things, to keep you from feeling overwhelmed or like you don't know what you're doing. Somehow, I don't think there's a parenting class in the world that will keep me from feeling overwhelmed and like I don't know what I'm doing!

07-27 Birthing methods

There is no way I'm going to be able to have these babies vaginally. This is fairly depressing for me, because I was so looking forward to a natural home birth. There's only one doctor in town that will even consider doing triplets vaginally, and everybody else thinks he's a little nuts. When you think about it, there are three babies, which makes three possible breeches, three cords for three babies to get tangled in/strangled on/prolapsed, plus they will probably be quite premature and the stress of a vaginal birth could kill them. So I'm having a c-section, no possible question and no way out. That's a big reason I'm thinking about having more kids after this, see if I can try for a singleton; I was really looking forward to childbirth, and now I'm going to miss it.

Another interesting fact I picked up from reading about twin births, is that (a) the total time from onset of labor to the birth of the second baby is usually shorter than in single births, and (b) the second baby pretty much just pops out, barring a mispresentation (i.e., breech or shoulder), which is common. After all, the first baby already did the hard part of stretching mom out of shape, so there's not much to hold the second one back.

But as I said, hardly anybody has triplets that way; most of us won't even consider it (even me, and I was the most hard-line home-birth no-drugs preacher around!).

I have made a rather unfortunate discovery this year. I appear to be lactose-intolerant. This isn't good, considering I should be drinking five or six cups of milk a day with this pregnancy. I still drink my milk, and take a LactAid pill with each glass. It helps a little, but I'm still very uncomfortable much of the time. I guess I'm starting to get used to it, but this is definitely not fun.

07-28 Sex and circumcision

I have been doing so much research about triplets since we found out there are three babies. I feel sometimes like I'm writing a term paper instead of having babies...only this is definitely more fun than a term paper! I'm thinking I may actually do something like that this fall while I'm laid up, though, because there don't seem to be any books on the market at all about triplets.

Brian wants to set up a betting pool for sexes. I'm guessing all boys, but I hope I'm wrong; I want at least one girl. My grandmother says I'd better have at least one girl. There haven't been any girls in the family since me, and she wants another girl baby to dress up.

We've discussed circumcision if we do have boys, and we've decided against it. I can understand that some people are offended by the term "genital mutilation," so I'll try not to use it. But it is hard to think of a better term. Ritual disfigurement sure doesn't work! Anyway, I don't have a problem with people who do it for religious reasons, and I commend parents who use anesthesia so their babies are spared some of the discomfort. However, not being religiously bound to go either way with this, I think of circumcision in the same category as other body changes done ritually and commonly in other cultures: ear piercing (that almost is a ritual in America), nose piercing, lip piercing, tooth filing, tattooing, and there are certain Native American practices that I don't have names for and don't want to describe here. To me, every last one of these is purely decorative. There seem to be just as many doctors for circumcision as against it, and there really is no hard evidence that either way is better.

As far as the sex issue and standing out goes, I'm not concerned about it. A lot more people these days are turning against circumcision; there are even a few militant anti-circumcision groups out in California! (land of granola....) With this trend, if I do not circumcize my son(s), I don't feel they will be all that singled out when they get older; I have a feeling they will have plenty of company. Because of this, I don't think girls then will have the same attitudes towards uncircumcised penises that many seem to today. So, in short, I do not plan to circumcize any sons I may have.

07-29 Earrings

I've heard recently that there is a tradition among Latin American families to pierce girls' ears as soon as they are born. Some mothers even take their babies by the jeweler's on the way home from the hospital. I don't think I see anything wrong with getting a baby's ears pierced, but if I have a girl I want to wait until she is old enough to ask for it, since there are no traditions like this in my family.

On the other hand, if we have more than one girl, we could get their ears pierced and put different colored earrings in them, to help tell them apart. The only question there is, what to do if we have more than one boy?

07-30 It still doesn't feel real

I've felt all my babies, heard them moving, seen their pictures. Every time I move I can feel my uterus, even if the babies aren't kicking. My bladder appears to have shrunk to the size of a grape, and I can't shake this headache. I've wanted my own baby since I was about 12, deeply and sincerely and not like "I want a doll."

But I still can't believe I'm pregnant!!!

Brian thinks I'm nuts. I told him I'll probably be watching the kids graduate from college and tell him, "You know, I still can't believe I'm a mother!"

08-01 Expanding Feet

Yes, yes, I know, I'm supposed to be expanding. But that's in the tummy!

Yesterday I put on a pair of sandals...brand new, just bought them in March. By the time I got home last night, they were so tight they felt like they were cutting off circulation. And all I'd been doing was sitting down the whole evening! Then tonight, all my shoes were too tight. Oh well, I guess I won't be needing shoes much this year anyway, what with being on bedrest and all.

Here's an interesting fact related to breastfeeding...Blondes, redheads, and other really light-skinned women have more sensitive nipples than darker-skinned women. I read that somewhere just recently, but I had heard something similar from my podiatrist a couple of years ago, who said that extremely fair women were more prone to the type of plantar fasciitis pain that I had. On a similar note, the same podiatrist said that his patients were split about 50/50 over whether labor or a steroid shot was more painful.

08-02 Minivans and Music

Someone mentioned the "minivan craze" to me today...see, that's why I didn't want one! But then again, how do you get three carseats into anything smaller? I just went from an Escort hatchback to a pickup truck, and now I've got a minivan! Don't have any kids yet, don't even look pregnant yet just extremely fat, so I feel like an imposter driving around town in the thing. Didn't have any trouble getting it, though, no shortage; the craze here is on pickup trucks, everybody wants pickup trucks here.

I've never been a very emotional person, but ever since I got pregnant, the tears come without warning. I've been crying at sappy television commercials, sad stories, a surprising variety of things. Especially whenever I think about having these babies, the faucets turn on.

I was pretty chubby in the midsection before I got pregnant, and pretty much my entire life I've had this lovely crease in my body right around my bellybutton, so whenever I sat down it looked like I had two bellies. Always wearing jeans that were too tight didn't help this any. So, to anybody who knew me before, I look pregnant now, because before this T-shirts would hang loose past my chest, so you couldn't see my belly; now my belly pokes everything out past my chest. Only, that lovely crease is still there, all the time. So friends have marveled at how big my belly is getting, but I have yet to have anybody else ask me when I'm due or anything like that; I still walk around in T-shirts and jeans most of the time, so if you don't know me I just look really fat! Kind of depressing, really.

My mother got me Baby Bach and an album called the Romantic Flute when I got pregnant, plus I have a bunch of celtic, classical, and modern instrumental albums, so I've been playing these for the babies, something at least once or twice a day. I have a cheap pair of headphones that I stretch across my belly. Plus, between my piano and flute practice, they get plenty of music! From what I've heard, if it's not too loud for you it will be okay for the baby, so I try to keep mine at about conversational level.

08-03 Cats and a hospital tour

We are moving in 2 weeks into an apartment closer to Brian's work so he can walk to work while I am bedridden. Because he's blind we had absolutely no choice in where we could move to; these are the only apartments this close. Unfortunately, these apartments charge $450 per animal in pet deposits, and $250 of that is non-refundable. Because of this, we can only afford to bring one cat with us. We have another cat that must find a home. She is 5 years old, a gray tabby cat, spayed, declawed, and current on all her shots. I have been in tears all morning because the lady I thought was going to take her in just called and said she can't. I have had ads out since mid-June with no other responses, and I have called everyone I know. Even the local pet shelters won't call me back. If I have to put this cat to sleep I will have nightmares for the rest of my life; I need to know she will be with a good home. If anybody can help, please let me know.

We did our tour of the hospital today to get it all taken care of before I go on bedrest. The LDR rooms here are pretty huge, too, but I won't be seeing those again. Here they take regular babies away immediately after birth, then give them back for recovery, then take them away for another hour for bathing and warming while they transfer you to a mother-baby room. I don't like that at all; just reinforces my original decision not to give birth in a hospital. But, since I don't have any choice in it now, I guess it doesn't matter. The way they explained it was, they only have 23 LDR rooms. They used to use them for postpartum as well, but now they've run out of room, so they converted the rest of the floor to the mother-baby rooms so they would have more spaces available. I guess it would be pretty sad if they had to turn somebody away because there was no room; they already have to stick people in non-LDR rooms, itty bitty things, if they get too busy. And they said normally the separation between recovery and the mother-baby room was just long enough to clean mom up and get her there. Still don't like it.

Another thing I don't like is Brian can't stay with me while they prep me for the cesarean, he can only come in when everything is ready, so I'll be all alone for most of it. But again, I have no choice. There are only two hospitals of this level in town, and I think the other one is pretty much the same. After the regular tour, the tour guide nurse snuck us into the cesarean room so we could see what that would be like. Not pretty, but I feel ever so much better having a picture of what to expect instead of this big gray area. We found out that I will be on the maternity floor no matter when I go in; for preterm labor they'll put me in an LDR room until I'm stabilized and then move me to a mother-baby room until the birth, when I go back to LDR to prep, into the operating room for the section, back into recovery, then back to mother-baby later. I guess I'm going to be seeing every room in that place!! I'm definitely going to have to customize my room if I'm there more than a day or two. I despise institutional-looking rooms.

We didn't get to see NICU tonight after all; they had a situation when we finished the tour and didn't want us up there, so we'll have to try again later. They had 43 babies in ICU this weekend!!

Also found out I'm going to be highly decorated, with three ID bracelets of my own, and an additional one for each baby. The babies each get two bracelets, wrist and ankle, and a fourth is supposed to go to whoever gets into the nursery. So we get to cheat; everybody else can only let that one person go into the nursery, but I can let in three!

08-06 Missing out

I feel like I'm missing out here. It sounds ridiculous, even to me, but it's true. It's not the bedrest or anything else; I can deal with that. Even Brian says bedrest sounds like a dream come true to him; since both of us spend 99% of our time either in front of the computer, the tv, or a book, I'm not missing much with that.

But something that I had been looking forward to so much was actually giving birth to my child. I'm not going to get to give birth to these babies. Yes, they're my babies, I'm growing them, they are mine genetically and physically and I will love them. But it's like I'm not going to have to do anything to get them. All I have to do is show up; beyond that the doctors go to great lengths to ensure that I have nothing to do with the process. I won't even be allowed to go through labor.

I feel like this is a badge of honor that I'm not going to be allowed to go through. I know it's not fun. But there must be something there I'm missing, or the "twilight birth" period of medical history would never have ended. There are so many hormones created during labor and birth; I won't get any of those, just some drugs to make sure I don't feel anything. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling; it's like...I can't even think of a proper analogy. There's nothing I can compare this to. I guess I feel like I'm missing out on part of becoming a woman. It's a right of passage that I have to skip. And I might not ever get a second chance.

I don't regret the decision to have a cesarean; it's the right thing to do, the safest. I am so happy that I am having these babies, and I'm so looking forward to seeing them and watching them grow. But I'm still grieving for the part of the process that I'm going to miss.

08-07 On the lighter side

Comedian Steve Wright: "I was born by ceserean section. Most of the time you can't tell, except whenever I leave the house I go out through the window."

Brian's response: "I was born by natural childbirth. Most of the time you can't tell, except whenever I leave the house I go out through the cat door."

We've also decided that we would like to have more children someday, as long as our finances can support them.

08-09 First contractions

I'm looking forward to the babies' third birthday. By that time, they should all be walking, talking, and pretty much potty trained. They may not be good at it, but it'll be a start. They'll be more like real people then.

Well, here comes the fun part of having triplets...Contractions!!! I had a bunch last night, for several hours. Scared Brian so bad he made me call the doctor. But the only thing I can do right now is drink more than my weight in water (feels like that!) and lie down; the doctors all seem to agree that tocolytics won't even have an effect until 20 weeks. Next visit next week I get to find out all the juicy details about exactly when to call and what to do.

08-11 Stretch Marks

I've discovered an interesting thing with my stretch marks. I have a beautiful set from when I was 17 and I gained about 30 pounds during my fourth semester at college. They look just like pregnancy stretch marks, too. They've all faded and turned white now. The new ones for the pregnancy started popping up a couple of weeks ago, and now I've got ten or fifteen new ones. But except for one or two, all of the new ones are just extensions of the old ones. Very strange looking; right now they're just getting started, so it looks like I have red dots on the ends of my old stretch marks.

08-13 Watching the birth

I'm one of those people who has to watch the whole time if I get blood drawn or stitches done or anything else. They say to cough before I get a shot or something and I say yeah right, just stick me! I asked the doctor if we couldn't just lower or get rid of that curtain at the birth, and they said something about germs getting in. This doesn't make sense to me. It seems to me that any germs I could breathe on that cut would already be there in my body. But I got a look at the operating room when we did our tour and they have a big mirror they said they would set up so I could watch that way.

I saw a live triplet birth on the Health Network last night. They filmed it over the doctor's shoulder, so you can see everything. Plus, they kept filming after the babies were out of the room. I don't know what exactly they were doing to that poor woman's stomach, but I don't think she really wanted to see it!

08-16 Music

Pregnancy has definitely been affecting my musical abilities. I sing and play flute (and piano, but I won't be doing that this fall), and I've noticed a lot more trouble with longer passages. Part of it is babies crowding out my lungs; I have a hard time taking a deep breath now unless I'm in just the right position. But also when you're pregnant your need for oxygen goes up and so does your respiration, so whatever breath you take just doesn't last as long. I've even been breathing faster at night

Piano was my first instrument; I started that when I was four. I was originally trained to be a concert pianist, but when my parents moved to a different town we never found a teacher quite as good as the first, so I just kind of went my own way. Since I was 12 I have played oboe, bassoon, viola, guitar, harp, clarinet, and flute. A lot of the time I can't stand listening to myself long enough to get the necessary practice in; I think I only lasted a couple of months on the clarinet! I think it's better for kids to start learning an instrument when they're really little, like I was on piano. That way, they don't know how bad they sound and get disappointed. I can't wait to teach piano to these three.

08-17 Moving

I was supposed to be moving last weekend. We got a call from the apartments last Tuesday; some people who had put a hold on a first-floor apartment never called back, so we got it! Only the move-in date for it was August 21 instead of the 14th. So we still haven't moved yet, now it's this Saturday. But things are looking good, looks like we should have everything packed up. And we'll have a first-floor apartment, which will be really good with the kids. I was starting to have nightmares about hauling a triplet stroller up the stairs!

08-18 It's a Girl!

We found out today that we have at least one girl. We couldn't get a good enough look at the other two today, so we don't know about them, but Lefty is now Tamara Elayne. Hopefully we'll be able to see the other two better on Monday, when we go in for the Level III ultrasound.

So far I've gained 26 pounds, which I think is pretty much on track considering I'll start gaining even faster soon. I'm not doing anything special, though. I just told myself I could throw everything Jenny Craig taught me about only eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full out the window and eat as much as I want whenever I want. So I stuff myself sometimes, but I don't force myself to eat or anything. I try to get in a good protein shake every day, and eat lots of protein at other times, but aside from that I just follow my appetite...and then some! It's going to be interesting unlearning all these bad habits again after the babies come.

The end of this month is when I'll get mean about bedrest. But I'll probably start for the most part as soon as we move, because we're going to just set everything up for it as we move in. It's much easier that way.

08-20 Genetics and a crib

Brian and I are constantly arguing over what the babies will look like. He doesn't believe me when I say my family has strong genes. My father's family is Swedish, I'm third-generation American. They marry dark people and consistently have blonde-haired, blue-eyed, pale as snow children. My mother is Cajun, brown hair and eyes, and my brother and I are both still extremely fair. Brian is part-Native American, so he's pretty dark; he says if we have blonde-haired blue-eyed babies he's having them DNA tested!

I finally got the baby shower invitations out this week, and apparently everybody's already getting them. We came back from buying more boxes this afternoon, and we got a call from Babies-R-Us, saying somebody had bought something on our registry. A crib!!!! One down, two to go! And these are old friends of my dad's who I haven't even seen in over five years; I didn't expect more than a card from them, much less a $100 crib. Wow!!! We're going to go pick it up tomorrow after we move and set it up in the nursery. Our first nursery furniture...I'm just walking on air right now, this is so cool! *sniff* Now I'm crying...

08-21 Moving Day

Even though the house we've been living in is only a couple of miles away from Brian's office, right across the highway, he has been unable to find a ride to work since he's been there. So today we moved across the highway to an apartment complex right next door to Brian's office. This way, he'll be able to walk to work while I'm on bedrest.

The move exhausted me even though I didn't really do anything. I was under strict orders from my doctor not to pack or move anything. Still, I felt like a complete heel, sitting around and telling other people what to do. It was the fastest move we've ever made; we actually got everything done in one day, instead of the usual two weeks. Some friends of ours even loaned us their kids for the day to help with the small stuff; they worked hard for us. We also had some friends that Brian met through his old job helping us out. They're three guys who have spent almost every weekend for the last twenty years helping somebody move. They were great; beer is a wonderful incentive!

It's just really starting to hit just how crowded we will be here. We plan to move after the babies are born, but the time in between their coming home and the next move is going to be rough. This is a 900 sq. ft., 3-bedroom apartment; we wouldn't even have been able to get our old waterbed in here! But, of course, we had no choice, if Brian is to be able to get to work.

08-27 Back online

This week has been extremely frustrating for me. Naturally, my doctor forbade me to do anything on the move except give orders. Unfortunately, this includes unpacking. Our help with the move also didn't do much unpacking, although I got the kids to do some of the kitchen.

So I have been sitting all this week without television, without my computer, without access to my books, my sewing, or anything else, including most of my dishes. I have a tatting project and one book that I kept with me during the move, and that's it. Not much fun.

Fortunately, my brother arrived toward the end of the week. He's been helping a little; at the very least he's another human being to talk to!

I did get my computer back online today, thank goodness! Once my brother got here, he was able to dig through the mess and find everything I needed to hook up. We set it up in the living room, on the coffeetable, because I plan to spend my bedrest primarily on the couch. My brother even bought me a new mouse, one of those trackballs, to make it easier for me. The internet guy came today to hook up our new broadband access that we can get in these apartments. The only problem is, I haven't been able to get the network card I bought to work. How frustrating! So for now, I'm still connecting on the phone line to my old account.

08-28 Baby shower

Today I had my baby shower. My friend Laura Stoltenberg threw it for me and we hosted it in the common room at our apartment complex. She completely surprised me with everything she did. She brought all these little sandwiches she made herself, plus all kinds of other food and drinks. She also got me a cake, although I knew about that one; we went together to pick it out.

I got so many wonderful presents! Lots of little stuff, of course, but also so much big stuff. I was so surprised by some of the people who got big things, as well as at some of the things they got! Many people came who I didn't expect to see, and they all came bearing gifts. We got three high chairs, two carseats, and a gigantic teddy bear. (...and a partridge in a pear tree...)

I haven't the slightest idea where this bear is going to go, especially since we already have a six-foot-long stuffed lion we got for Christmas several years ago. I think we'll have to stuff the lion under a crib, and maybe we can prop the bear in a corner for now.

08-30 Level III Ultrasound

We had our first Level III ultrasound today, finally! It was originally scheduled for last week, but apparently the doctor got subpeonaed to testify in court or something, so they had to reschedule it. We had been hoping to find out the sexes before the baby shower so we could tell everybody.

The babies are looking good this week, though. We have two girls and a boy! This means we can finally pick names for everybody, so we have Brenden Connor, Tamara Elayne, and Caitlin Alyssa. Brenden is on the bottom (formerly known as Sleepy), Tamara is in front of him and to the left, and Caitlin is high up on the right. Now I know who's been dancing on my bladder!

The ultrasound took about an hour and a half, as the tech spent time with each baby, measuring the head, belly, and arms and legs, making sure everything was there and growing normally. What fun! Toward the end, she took a look at my cervix, and apparently something didn't look right. She said it looked "beaked." So I was ordered to stay on the table, and they hooked me up to a toco monitor to monitor contractions while we waited for the doctor to come back from a lecture he was giving at the hospital across the street.

When the doctor arrived, he checked me internally, and announced that I wa dilated to the tune of 1.8 cm. Worse, Brenden's sac was poking through, and the doctor could feel it hanging out. This, obviously, was not good. The technician, ever tactful, commented that if we hadn't already had an appointment for today, we most likely would have lost all the babies.

So, in short, I've been admitted to the hospital and placed on IV fluids and antibiotics in anticipation of a cerclage tomorrow evening. That will sew my cervix shut so we can keep the babies in longer. I didn't even get to go home first; we had to call some friends to take Brian home and get some stuff. My poor brother is going to be there alone tonight.

Did you know that they measure your urine in the hospital? They put this big cup in the toilet that covers the whole seat. You're supposed to pee in that. Then the nurse comes in every so often and measures it. Wouldn't you like to have her job?

08-31 Cerclage

I had the cerclage put in today. What an experience! Thank goodness it's over, though, and I don't have to worry about losing my babies anymore.

I've been starving most of the day. I wasn't allowed anything to eat or drink after 10 in the morning, because of the anesthesia. Brian stayed with me all day, and we read and listened to the tv, just waiting.

I thought I was okay, but when the orderlies finally came to take me downstairs, I lost it. Brian was able to stay with me until they were ready to take me into the operating room. They said he couldn't see me in the recovery room afterwards, but they said they would go get a book from him so I would have something to do while I waited for the anesthesia to wear off.

The doctors wanted to give me general anesthesia, but I was worried about this because I've developed the most horrible cold over the weekend. I can't breathe through my nose and I'm coughing a lot. So I was able to talk them into giving me a spinal. That was a big relief; the thought of going under scares me to death.

The way the doctors explained it to me, they don't worry about a general anesthetic affecting the babies this early because they're still on my life support. It's at birth that a general can become a problem, because the babies are about to have to breathe and everything on their own and they might be too dopey to do it. But when they're not going to be born anytime soon, it doesn't hurt them at all, and they were concerned about my reaction to being awake for the surgery along with the risk of severe headache after a spinal.

I was very scared, but it was actually much easier than I expected. The doctors said they will also want to give me a spinal when the babies are born, so now I know what to expect. I had to sit up on the edge of the operating table with my feet hanging over the side, and hold on to a nurse so I could hunch over and relax. When the needle went in, it really just felt like a mosquito bite. It took effect so fast, I needed help to lie down and straighten out my legs.

The surgery itself took a lot longer than I thought it would, but I kept myself entertained by listening to the doctors. Did you know they really do talk about golf in the operating room?

The anesthesia started to wear off as I was being wheeled to recovery, which really seemed to surprise the doctors. I was completely bored. There was nothing to look at; I couldn't even see my own monitors. Plus, as the anesthesia wore off, I started feeling very crampy. Then, when I really needed the distration, they told me I couldn't have my book after all! I think next time I'm going to hide the book under my shirt or something, I won't let them take it away.

I think I was supposed to spend an hour in recovery, but after spending twenty minutes complaining about the cramps and asking everybody in sight if they had something to read, they finally sent me back to my room. Yippee! I was escorted by a very nice young male orderly wearing a black cap with skeletons on it. I'm sure that goes over real well with other patients.

On to a slightly nastier topic, but I know a lot of people worry about this more than they need to, so I'll share. I did have to have a catheter put in after the cerclage. I was a bit scared, but even putting it in without anesthetic wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Once it was in place, all I felt was a strange feeling, almost like needing to pee, that I got used to. The most annoying part of the whole thing was the tube, which was taped to my thigh. Seemed like every time I rolled over I had to adjust it. But it was definitely nowhere near as bad as I expected it to be, and facing it again I would have no hesitation at all.

09-03 Beginning Bedrest

I came home from the hospital today, and I'm on strict bedrest for at least the next two weeks while the cerclage heals. I'm only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and shower. I have a doctor's appointment in two weeks, and they'll see how I'm doing and maybe let me off bedrest. I'm not too upset about the bedrest; after all, I've been expecting this since the beginning. At least I have my trusty computer by my side, so I won't be lonely.

I am just so happy to be home. I'm doing my time on the couch in the living room, which is actually a futon with a cheap mattress. As you can imagine, it's not the most comfortable thing in the world; I've got half a dozen pillows to try and help. But anything is better than that labor and delivery bed I've been in for the last week. Awful.

09-04 Identical or Fraternal

We've wondered for most of the pregnancy which we'd like to have, fraternal triplets or identical triplets, or maybe some of both. Brian thinks identicals would be really neat, although I can't understand this since it would just make it harder for him to tell them apart. We've both thought that it would be better if there weren't two identical and one fraternal, because we're worried the fraternal baby would feel left out.

The first ultrasound we had showed two babies clumped together toward my left side and one on my right side. Right from the beginning, I thought this might mean two were identical, which really would be neat after all. As the babies have grown, we've lost track of who was who in that original picture, though, so when the technician identified two girls and a boy on Monday, we still couldn't be sure if the girls were identical or not.

The technician doesn't think it's likely, although there's no way to know for sure until after they're born. She found where the umbilicals or something were attached to the placentas. Although she can't actually distinguish two placentas on the ultrasound, she said there were two peaks, and pointed them out to me, which usually indicate fraternal twins.

Contrary to popular belief, identical twins do not have to share a sac, although they do usually share a placenta. In fact, twins who share a sac, or monoamniotic twins, are very rare, and this can be a very dangerous condition for the babies. Identical twins also do not have to be the same size, as different factors can affect their growth separately.

We're still hoping for identical girls.

I surely am glad for the invention of television and cable tv. I don't know how I'd survive otherwise. There's only so much reading you can do before your eyes start to cross and you get antsy for movement of more than your eyeballs, and I hate silence as a background to anything.

A couple of friends think the local news should do a story on us. I didn't think triplets were that special anymore, but a blind man with triplets might be more newsworthy. I guess if you're a reporter reading this, look us up and come on by! Or if you're not, you could always call them up and let them know about us.

09-07 Getting used to the idea

I haven't yet been able to find any support groups for mothers of higher-order multiples in town yet. There is a group for the national Mothers of Multiples, but my understanding is that they are primarily a twins group; they barely even mention triplets on their website. I could really use some connections; it gets lonely and I start feeling like I'm the only one.

We're definitely getting used to the idea of having three babies, though. Thinking of only having one baby seems so lonely. So much free time when she's a baby, and only you and her to play games and stuff as she gets older. Three will definitely be more fun. I'm not in denial about the work at all, I'm just looking forward to play and school with three the same age.

09-08 Looking for Books

There is a set of children's books that I am looking for. I had them when I was a child, and I loved them to death, and I want to get them for my kids. It was a 2-book collection of fairy tales. Not just the standard fairy tales, but all sorts of fairy tales I've never heard anywhere else. It wasn't "illustrated", just a few illuminated drawings here and there. Not that that ever stopped me, I read them ever since I can remember (and I learned to read at 3). Anyway, they're two books, sized in between paperbacks and trade editions, with hard light blue covers. It was called something like "World's Greatest Fairy Tales" I think. I checked in a bookstore a few weeks ago and didn't see them. If anyone knows how I can find copies of these books, please let me know.

When I was planning for all of this, I never thought I would come to the conclusion that my ears should be surgically removed. They just get in the way when you're spending your life on your side. Anybody who has slept a night through with their ear folded under their head knows what I'm talking about!

At least I don't have to eat sideways, I have a dispensation for that. But I still can't cook my own food. I feel like a vegetable, helpless and dependent for everything. But still, I can't change any of this; I wouldn't want to even if I could. So I'm damn well going to enjoy it!

09-10 HELP!!!

This is so sick...I've started watching daytime talk shows...SAVE ME!!!

09-13 Doctor Visit

I finally got back in to see the perinatologist today, and everything is looking good. The stitches are holding and the babies look fine. For the first time ever, all three were sleeping for the ultrasound; then, of course, right when I was wiping the gook off, I got kicked by Caitlin...*sigh* I guess she won't be a performer. But everything looked so good that I got taken off complete bedrest and put back on light duty, which means I can cook for myself again and run errands and stuff, although I still plan to spend most of the day on the couch. I still need to take it extremely easy, as I don't want to start labor; I just don't have to be horizontal all the time anymore. I'm just glad I don't have to be waited on hand and foot anymore! Plus I'll be able to go swimming again.

09-15 Back Pain

I can't stand up for more than five minutes without my back hurting now, and it's gotten so weak I can hardly bend over to pick something up without propping an arm on a support! If we go to any kind of store, within a couple of minutes I'm walking around holding my back, and not much later I can barely walk at all. Goddess forbid I should drop something on the floor.

Not to mention that the babies are up into my ribcage now. I can't even slouch without being reprimanded by my own unborn children! I have to sit straight up or lean back all the time. This makes it difficult to eat at the table, because I also can't sit right up at the table because my belly is too big and won't fit underneath.

A friend of mine who is also pregnant mentioned going bowling today. I'm not sure I could even pick up my bowling ball anymore!

09-16 Survival

Babies born at 23 weeks can survive, but that doesn't mean they will be as well off as babies born at term, or even seven weeks later. After my surgery, the doctors gave us every horror story they could think of to remind us how important it is for me to follow every order and take it easy. Babies born at 23 weeks run an extremely high risk for heart problems, lung problems, blindness, mental retardation, and various other disabilities. They survive, but at a high price. If my babies came now, they would probably live, but it might not be a very good life. But if I even take them another seven weeks, their survival is virtually guaranteed, they'll be able to eat and see and breathe, and they'll most likely grow up normally. There was a set of triplets born at 23 weeks at my hospital earlier this year. They're still in NICU and will probably be there for another six months or so.

When we first found out about our triplets, the doctor said that expected gestation for triplets was 32 weeks. He said that every additional baby takes four weeks off the expected due date. Since the cerclage, though, he has been much more supportive of my goal, which is 37 weeks, or Christmas. In fact, I went in this morning, and he's not even scoffing at the idea that I could keep them out of the NICU altogether, which is a really good sign. Up until now, every time I mentioned my goals of 37 weeks and no NICU he kind of laughed it off, but now he's taking me seriously, so I guess I'm doing pretty good!

09-18 Breastfeeding plans

I plan to feed on demand...sort of. I'll wait until one cries, then wake them all up in turn. That way they should stay somewhat in sync with each other. And I'll keep a full diary, who ate how long from which teat in what order, dirty diapers, blah blah blah. Probably make their doctor sick with the details! Did you know I'll automatically get 45 minutes for doctor's appointments instead of the usual 15 so they will just see all of them at once? That'll be nice.

I thought about feeding them separately instead of back-to-back, but I'll get absolutely no sleep that way. I would rather do it that way, but waking up every hour to feed a baby 24 hours a day 7 days a week seems like a bit much to ask. It may depend in large part on whether they spend much time in NICU. If they come straight home, I may try demand feeding instead keeping them in synch. I'm just worried that I'll become delirious after the first couple of days and try to feed the cat instead of the babies!

I tried calling some local lactation consultants, hoping to find one with experience with triplets. Unfortunately, most of the consultants here seem to have tons of experience with twins and next to none with triplets or more. I've talked with some other mothers of multiples and it seems perfectly possible to breastfeed triplets. I've gotten a lot of discouragement from my doctors, but this gives me hope. I'm certainly going to try!

Basically, I plan to tandem nurse two babies and let baby 3 nurse alone from one side, then rotate who gets which position at each feeding. I thought about having baby 3 suck from both sides, but I worry about determining exactly when to switch sides. I figure my breasts should adjust to getting sucked more at alternate feedings; it can work that way with a single baby or with twins, if one breast gets sucked harder than the other and then you switch.

As far as feeding two at once, the lady I was talking to at the hospital the other day has a video she's going to make sure I can get a hold of that specifically goes over the mechanics of feeding two at once. Basically, you either put one baby in cradle position and put the other baby in football hold with its head on baby 1's legs, or you put both babies in football hold. They make special support pillows too for nursing twins that I've looked into.

09-20 And how does the cat feel?

My poor kitten. His whole life has been uprooted this year, and it's only going to get worse.

Pixel was a gift from my husband, to cheer me up when we were beginning fertility treatments. He was my substitute baby, and I spoiled him rotten, carried him around with me everywhere.

First thing to go after I got pregnant was the waterbed. We knew there was no way I'd be able to get in and out of it later on, and it probably wouldn't be comfortable anyway, so we got a regular bed. Pixel wasn't too sure what to make of this; the bed had been one of his favorite places to sleep.

Over the course of the summer, over half of the rest of the furniture disappeared, to make room for moving into our tiny new apartment. We had a big garage sale, and Pixel lost a lot of sleeping places and toys.

Then the whole darn house disappeared on him, and he was stuck into this strange new apartment.

Then his momma disappeared into the hospital for a whole week, and he was all alone!

Poor kitty spends the entire day laying on my side, now. I think he's trying to make sure I don't go away again. I keep waiting for one of the babies to give him a good hard kick!

09-21 Baby Feet

Yup. The feet are gone. History. Can't reach them at all anymore. Farewell, pedicure!

Those feet are going to have to propel this stroller soon. It's a baby limo!

09-23 Checkup and a trip to the hospital

I had another doctor's appointment this afternoon with the perinatologist, and the babies look really good. The ultrasound tech was even able to weigh the babies. Brenden is 1 lb 6 oz, Tamara is 1 lb 8 oz, and Caitlin is 1 lb 6 oz. Big babies!

On the way back from the doctor's office, I started feeling tight in my belly, and some pain and pressure on my cervix. So I talked to the nurse on call, and she sent me to the hospital to be monitored and checked. This has to be my dad's fault for making jokes about having the babies on his birthday!!

It turns out that I am having contractions, but they are very mild and not regular at all. Also my cervix is still good and shut. So the doctors don't want to put me on any kind of tocolytics unless the contractions become stronger or more regular. They monitored me for a while and got heart tones on the babies, and sent me back home.

Now I'm back on complete bedrest again, at least until next week when I go see my regular doctor again. But everything is okay, this is just one of those things with triplets, it's only just getting started and I'll be making lots of trips to the hospital before the babies are born. Even if they come soon, though, they're far enough along and big enough that they will be okay, they just would be in the NICU for a long time.

All's well and I didn't even have to eat any hospital food! Still, even having the last four months to prepare for lots of bedrest, that doesn't make it any easier. Logistically we have it pretty much down, it's the emotional part that gets to me; it's so frustrating!!!

09-24 Nerveless hands and eternal youth

My whole hands will often go numb when I'm asleep; at the very least my fingers do every night. My doctor says it's just pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel, caused by the same swelling tissues that cause my stuffy nose. About the only thing I can do for it is to wear splints to bed to keep my wrists straight, and of course I haven,t gotten any. They are so bad these days that I can't make a fist when I get up in the morning, it hurts too much.

My history doesn't help with this problem because I've been on the verge of full-blown carpal tunnel, as well as arthritis, for several years. Between playing piano, typing full-time, sewing, kniting, and crochet, it's really easy to wear out your hands young!! Fortunately (depending on how you look at it) I can't play piano this fall anyway (obviously!), and I can deal with the pain and discomfort at other things I still do. I can't wait until it goes away after these babies are born, though; I can barely pull the covers off myself when I first wake up!

I still don't really feel like a mother. I'm too young for this! I still feel like I'm fifteen years old. Of course, when I was fifteen, I felt like I was thirty, but I don't feel like I've changed at all since then. It's a strange feeling. I certainly don't feel like a "grownup."

09-26 Cobedding and strong babies

We had been thinking about sleeping them together in one crib for the first three or four months, until they started sleeping through the night. Our pediatrician doesn't think they'll all fit for that long. It seems like we can't afford yet another piece of furniture, but I found some bassinets for only $40 apiece, so bassinets it is! I am going to see if they can sleep together in the hospital, though, especially if they're in NICU; all the research I've seen indicates that it would be very good for them, helping them gain weight and get healthy faster.

If I had one baby, I would cosleep in my bed. If I had two babies, I would put them in a crib together. With three babies, I'm keeping them in our room, but there's just too much baby to either put in our bed or in one crib, so they're each getting their own bassinet. During the day I may put them on the floor together or something like that; that's about the only safe place where there would be enough room for them all!

I was getting kicked pretty hard by one baby last night towards the bottom. I think she hit a nerve or something, because everytime she kicked out real hard I had the same reaction that I do to being tickled, I'd kind of involuntarily jerk. It's amazing how strong they are already. I always feel my vertex baby (the one on the bottom) more than any of the others, probably because whoever happens to be down there tends to kick my cervix a lot.

09-27 Growth Spurts, Underwear, and Religion

Every time my babies hit a growth spurt, my belly gets extremely itchy. Plus, whenever the stretch marks grow bigger they get really tender too; the front of my belly is more stretch mark than solid skin now, and those things can get sore!!! Imagine wearing jeans that are too tight, all day long, to where the waistband really cuts into your skin and leaves marks. Remember how tender the skin is when you take those jeans off? That's how my belly feels most of the time. Makes it extremely difficult to scratch when I itch so badly! I went shopping last week while I could still go out, because all I had was summer clothes, tank tops and similar skimpy stuff, and wanted something with sleeves. Plus some of my stuff was starting to get tight. I couldn't find anything that was still big on me without it being absolutely too huge everywhere but my belly. And I've got so much more growing to do!! The whole body shape issue is really annoying. Ever since I was about 14, my chest has been out of proportion to the rest of my body. I've always tended to avoid button-up shirts, even though they're my favorite, because almost invariably they gap at the bustline, even in the large-size and "women's" sizes. So now that I'm pregnant, finally I'm equal. Everybody else's chests are getting as big as mine, so you would think the maternity clothes should fit. Only now my belly is out of proportion; I can't win! We're just getting bigger and bigger here. I haven't had to buy any special maternity bras or underwear because I've found a lot that I already had is fitting pretty good, mostly the granny-panty style that I bought for days when I prefer comfort to sexiness (although alot is just getting stuffed away until next year!). I did get a nursing bra, because I was down to light blue, teal, and black bras that still fit and were comfortable, and I had nothing to wear under white shirts (amazing how hard it is to find non-pastel maternity clothes). Brian thought the nursing bra was pretty darn neat from his point of view!! I don't like sleeping in a bra, even though they say women with large breasts should anyway to prevent sagging. I've finally caved, though, and now wear my sleeping bra every night, because I got tired of rolling over and finding dripping wet spots everywhere! I can't believe how leaky I am this early, but I also am constantly amazed by the startup of these amazing milk factories that happen to be on my chest. Always a nuisance, now they'll actually be useful! As Halloween and Samhain approach, I've started thinking more about how big a part religion will play in our lives once the children are here. Obviously, I'm not doing much this year, being confined to bed/couch and all. But it's not something I have thought about in depth before, how to get the kids involved in something more than common secular traditions in the years to come. I'd like to try getting a family pagan network together here in town that can do stuff on holidays and things. I don't necessarily want my kids in circle with me until they're old enough to choose, but I want them to know the lore and traditions and stuff. There are several pagan networks around, but it tends to be childless people that I've met so far. Now there's a big project for next year!

09-28 Bedrest and thinking back on curses

I can't do anything for myself, and I have this complex about asking other people to do things for me, afraid of being a mooch. If Brian forgets to do laundry, then I have no underwear. We have nobody to take him to the store, and the volunteer service won't shop more often than twice a month. If there's nothing good on TV, I can't put a movie in the VCR. If I'm hot, I can't take a cool shower or go for a swim. I can't even go get a fan. If I get hungry, I have to wait for somebody else to bring me food. If I want a book, I have to wait for somebody to go fetch it. I'm constantly so hot I'm literally dripping sweat, and the a/c won't get any cooler. Both of my ears are extremely sore from being lain on all day long.

I finally got a software client who is ready to get started, all we need to do is get contracts together to sign. I have no money to pay a lawyer, and can't find one who will accept payment later. I'm scared to death that if I sign something and commit to going forward with this, something will happen with the babies and I'll be unable to fulfill my obligations. Then I'll get sued and lose what little financial security we have, which is almost none.

I can't even look forward to the cool front with highs in the 70s tomorrow, because Wednesday is yard work day at our complex. All day long. Complete with lawn mowers, weedeaters, edgers, trimmers, leafblowers, and Goddess knows what other loud lawn equipment they can think of. So I can't open the windows, because I'll have nobody here to close them when the noisy stuff comes by.

Helpless, useless, worthless, unreliable....

One of the laws of Wicca is known as the Three-Fold Law; basically it states that whatever you do will come back to you three-fold. I personally think this law is directly responsible for our triplets. When we were trying so hard to get pregnant last year, Brian's best friend and his wife decided to start trying. And how long did it take them? Two months! I was pretty hurt and annoyed and frustrated, and I felt a little vindictive, so I tried to think of a "curse" that wouldn't really be a curse. I thought, "May she have 11-pound triplets vaginally." And guess what I got!!! Serves me right!

09-29 Shower Day!

I was just having a super down day yesterday. I'm feeling much better now. It's not that I'm not well-prepared and all; after all, I had four months to get ready. I've got my dorm fridge set up next to the couch, my computer all set up, plenty of stitching to do, I've got my Rocket eBook so I don't even have to wait for the mail to get a book sometimes, and now I've even got some work to do. It just gets frustrating when certain things happen that you just can't prepare for, like getting an amazing craving and not being able to do a thing about it!

It didn't help that night before last I just couldn't get to sleep, and when I did get to sleep I got woken up by heartburn, so I got maybe four or five hours of sleep. Then when I tried to take a nap yesterday, every time I started to fall asleep somebody would call. Some days you just can't win! I can't even turn the ringer on the phone off. Since everybody who knows me knows I'm on bedrest, they get very worried if they get the machine, thinking I'm in the hospital again. I'd hate to be responsible for my grandmother's next heart attack!

It's amazing what can excite a woman on bedrest. Today is shower day!!! I only get to bathe every other day, and I alternate between a shower, where I can wash my hair, and a quick bath. So shower day is really fun! Pretty sad when you think about it.

I took all my rings off way back when I found out I was pregnant, since I knew it would be a problem. I tried to put on my wedding ring the other day, just to see, and I couldn't get it past my second knuckle!

I just bought a bunch of new books with a coupon Barnes & Noble sent me. So now I have seven sci-fi/fantasy books in one device the size of a cheap romance...*satisfied sigh* I love my Rocket eBook!

09-30 Wish list

Things I want....A soda fountain (there's nothing quite like a fountain soda), delivery from IHOP, a foam wedge to lay on instead of all these pillows that keep falling through the armrests of the sofa...

Some people have told me I'm at risk for hemorroids now, but actually not. I'm not even allowed to sit up to eat, I have to lie down all day long, on my side. I'm not supposed to put any pressure in that area because my cervix is too close. My outer hips get all the pressure these days, but they're getting used to it. What I am supposed to be at risk for is constipation, but in fact I've had the exact opposite problem since I've been on bedrest, so I guess I'm doing pretty darn good!

10-01 Free stuff, and diabetes strikes!

Well, I started getting some really nasty sugar readings today on my home monitor.

*insert colorful cursing here*

Guess I get to figure out how to consume 3000 calories on a diabetic diet.

*insert multicultural cursing here*

Brian thinks it might just be a one-day thing, and there really isn't anything I can do until Monday anyway. But I'm certainly going to be watching those numbers like a hawk this weekend; if they don't go down I'm going to have them move my screening up to Monday or Tuesday.

I'm doing my best to keep 3000 calories from being all sugar and fat; I've got a protein supplement that I sometimes mix with my orange juice, I drink a can or two of generic Ensure every day, and otherwise I eat whenever I'm hungry and don't say no to myself if I want more. More grapenuts, another sandwich, extra cheese....Probably a good bit of fat, but mostly I'm trying to get lots of protein. Ideally I ought to be getting 150-200 grams a day, and that's tough!

As a mother of triplets I am entitled to two free diaper genies straight from the manufacturer. I have to wait until after the babies are born, though, because I have to send copies of their birth certificates, just like all the other free stuff. However, if I've already gotten a diaper genie, they'll send free bags for it instead of the genie itself. It just so happens that my brother, who I think was the only person at the time who wasn't aware of this, decided to buy me a genie for my baby shower, so I do already have one. Now I have to decide if I want to get one more genie and the free bags, or if I might need three genies.

BabyZone has a freebie page that lists a few deals for multiples on it, but I got my list from Mothers of Supertwins and they have a huge list of free stuff for higher-order multiples. It is definitely worth looking at for anybody else expecting multiples.

10-02 Chefs, and a trip to the hospital

I sure could go for some hot, fresh, cooked-in-front-of-me food. I came across the neatest thing a few weeks ago when I was looking for something I could get myself for dinner while Brian was at Fiesta Texas. There's a company in town that will come to your house, plan a multi-course meal with you, go shopping, cook it in your kitchen, clean everything up, and freeze/refrigerate the leftovers. No prices on the website, so I bet it costs out the butt, but isn't that just a dream come true sometimes?

Thursday I had a doctor's appointment. For the first time ever he actually didn't look at the babies, just listened. He also measured me, and I was 37 cm!! So those of you who were wondering just how big I was, now you know. Everything looked great, and since I hadn't been having any more contractions, they let me back up to light duty. However, every week that goes by just makes it harder for me to even tolerate light duty, so I'm still pretty much staying on the couch, getting waited on by Brian. I did meet some friends for a quick lunch out yesterday, though.

I have been having dizzy spells, heart palpitations, and breathlessness for the last several months. When I mentioned this all to my doctor, he basically gave me a list of 50-odd things that are perfectly normal that are probably causing all of that, especially since all my vitals are normal.

Last night around seven I got an extremely sharp pain along the left side of my abdomen, so bad I could hardly breathe before it finally backed down. It lasted about half an hour. Then as it faded, it radiated out to the center of my belly and the bottom, and a little while later I started having contractions. A little stronger than last week, still not regular, but over 10 an hour. So we headed on down to the hospital. By the time I got to the hospital, they were strong enough to start pulling on my stitches in my cervix (OUCH!). The contractions didn't hurt at all, but the stitches certainly did!

They put me on a fluid drip in the hospital, and the contractions eventually backed down, although it took until about 4 in the morning for them to go away completely. They kept me overnight and through breakfast, but the contractions didn't start up again, so they let me come on home. They actually didn't put me back on bedrest this time, but I'm pretty much doing it anyway, like I said. The doctor who was on call basically just said that, since I'm going to be spending so much time in the hospital anyway, and I have gotten a pretty good grip on when I'm having contractions, he didn't see any point in making me hang out up there if nothing was actively happening.

So...another eventful evening, another sore spot on my wrist, another doctor who knows what I look like...but nothing really changed. You'd think I'd really be going batty at this point, but there isn't much I can do about any of it, and as a matter of fact, I am doing a hundred times better than I had any right to expect at this point. It's a wonder I'm not already on tocolytics, or permanently admitted, or something else nasty. So I'm pretty happy with things, considering.

10-04 Diabetes

I continued to get high blood sugar readings over the weekend. Not outrageously high, but considering normal readings for me are very low, and the readings I was getting were above the guidelines my doctor told me to look for (140 at 1 hour after meals, 120 at 2 hours), I went ahead and called. They didn't want to move my test up, saying something about how they can't screen for diabetes before 28 weeks (which is complete nonsense, but anyway); however, they're calling in orders for me to see the diabetes management group at Seton to get a diet, and they're giving me an "official" testing schedule for me to track for them. So they're going to treat me like I've already failed a screen, even though they won't give me a screen and from the way they talk they think I'm insane. However, it doesn't do any harm to treat myself as though I already have it, and if I am already diabetic then it certainly could help.

I'm so frustrated, though. So what if I am being paranoid. I'm having triplets, and there are so many extra things that can go wrong that I think I'm entitled to be paranoid!

10-05 Diabetic Diet

I can't even make it through a good pregnancy without bursting into tears on a regular basis. Between constantly worrying about whether I'm feeling contractions or not, all the people who are driving over 20 miles to go to the store for me because nobody I know closer will do it, Brian having to cook and clean and take care of the house on top of working full time, and now dealing with how to handle this diet and insulin, there are days when I wonder why I wanted to do this in the first place. It is so hard sometimes to remember how badly I want these babies, so hard...

I saw the dietician and educator today. They at first were wanting to track down the doctor and get a prescription for insulin right away, but decided to give me a couple of days more closely tracking diet and sugar so he can see that a little better on Friday. But they seemed positive I'll be on insulin by the weekend and were training me for it anyway.

So if you're interested in what it takes to feed three, here's my diet, for a whopping total of 2700 calories and 150g protein:

Breakfast (7:00 am)

• 1 starch
• 1/2 milk
• 2 meat
• 1 fat

Snack (9:30am)

• 1 starch
• 1/2 milk
• 2 meat

Lunch (12:30pm)

• 1 starch
• 1 milk
• 1 fruit
• 3 meat
• 1 fat

Snack (3:00pm)

• 2 carb
• 2 meat

Snack (5:00 pm)

• 2 carb
• 2 meat

Dinner (7:00pm)

• 3 carb
• 3 meat
• 1 fat

Snack (10:00pm)

• 2 carb
• 2 meat

10-06 Bellybutton

My bellybutton isn't even an innie or an outie anymore, it just kind of half pokes out, and the other half still pokes in. Just lopsided like the rest of me, I guess!

10-08 More food!

I'm still getting bigger, but not big enough, apparently. The doctors have me checking my urine for ketones every morning, and I've been positive all week even though I got my sugars well in hand for now with my diet. So the doctor says I'm not eating enough, and to add another carb and protein to my bedtime "snack" which is now as big as my meals! I'm definitely never ever hungry anymore!!

10-09 Stretch marks and discomfort

I think the stretch marks have finally had enough. They seem to have stopped multiplying along the front, and they aren't getting that bad anywhere else, so hopefully the worst is over.

I'm so uncomfortable sleeping and walking; I don't even remember what comfortable is. I take little bitty steps when I walk, because if I try to take bigger ones, it stretches on my belly, and if I stand or sit without support for more than a couple of minutes then my back starts to give out. On top of that, imagine having constant altitude sickness; I'm always out of breath, feels like I'm living at my mother's. The worst part is, it's going to get much worse before it gets any better! All I keep telling myself is, next time around, if it's only one baby, this is as bad as it's going to get.

I have been feeling a little better yesterday and today, though. I feel like I have some more energy, and I feel less discomfort getting up and walking around than I have been. Maybe this means I'm over the hump?

10-10 Another hospital trip

Today my cousins came up from San Antonio to see me and my mom and we went to the mall. Spent a lot of money at the Disney store! But I had been needing to go anyway, to get some stuff. I was very careful through all of this; I didn't even drive, and at the mall we got a wheelchair for me from customer service, so I wasn't even walking there.

This afternoon I started having pains in my lower back. I thought they were gas pains, that's exactly what it felt like. I felt pretty miserable from it, it hurt, but I just figured I needed to pass gas and I would be okay. So we went out to dinner again after the mall. By the end of dinner, I was really miserable, and the pains seemed to be starting to radiate towards my front. So when we got home I laid down and started timing the pains. The pains were coming every seven minutes, and gas pains don't do that! I drank a ton of water, but it didn't help. We called the doctor and went in to the hospital.

By the time we got to the hospital I was pretty sure it was contractions, and it hurt terribly. I couldn't figure out what was going on, though, because most of the time I didn't feel anything in my cervix, and I have always been able to feel the stitches pulling before. Just before we went to the hospital, I noticed that my pants were really wet, and I was a little scared that my water had already broken. They tested for that at the hospital, though, and they said no, that it must just be increased discharge or something. They have these little strips of paper, like litmus paper, and it only turns color in amniotic fluid. So when the nurse stuck one of those in between my legs and it didn't change color, they said my water hadn't broken.

They put me on a monitor, but it wasn't picking up the contractions well at all. And whenever a nurse was feeling my belly when I had a contraction, she said they weren't very strong. My doctor wasn't on call that night, it was another one, and he never came up. They decided to send me back home. I asked if they were going to check my cervix first, and the nurse said not because it would just irritate my cervix and make things worse. So they didn't even look. No drugs, not even a fluid drip. They just gave me a Seconal to make me sleep and sent me home.