I got woke up on my birthday by the flower delivery guy. I don't think he likes me. Last time he came here, he had flowers for somebody else, and he seemed to take it personally and blame me for not being the right recipient. So this time he hands them to me, seeming upset because he had to wait for me to put a robe on and come upstairs, and leaves without saying anything.

Talk about needing to get my head on straight when I got up this morning! I could have said "Bad Dreams" in the title, but it was more like normal dreams with a bad memory. I was absolutely convinced that Brenden was dead. I "remembered" him getting hit by a car and killed, right around the time I got pregnant. In the dream, it was a totally matter-of-fact thing, because it had happened so long ago. Then, as it got closer to morning, my brain started leaking reality. So I'd be thinking, no, he's not dead, he's really alive...isn't he? Isn't he?

My appetite has become completely hit-or-miss these days. Sometimes, I suddenly find myself feeling like I'm starving to death, with absolutely no warning or reason. Other times, even when I'm sitting in front of a very yummy meal and was hungry just a few minutes ago, I have absolutely no appetite at all, don't want a thing.

Doesn't appear to be a serious problem, because I'm still gaining a pound a half a week, roughly.

I feel like a bit of an idiot, sitting here for almost an hour every bloody morning. If it makes me move faster and happier the rest of the day, then I guess it's not really wasted time, but it sure feels like it. I hope this works, that I don't need the UV as well or something. I guess we'll see. Hasn't even been a week yet, but I think my alertness is already going up during the day.

I feel like a bit of an idiot, sitting here for almost an hour every bloody morning. If it makes me move faster and happier the rest of the day, then I guess it's not really wasted time, but it sure feels like it. I hope this works, that I don't need the UV as well or something. I guess we'll see. Hasn't even been a week yet, but I think my alertness is already going up during the day.

We took the kids sledding yesterday for the first time this year. Brian went up the hill with them, while I waited in the car. I thought I would feel like an idiot doing that, but apparently there were a number of parents doing that. So I guess if it weren't for Liam still needing help, it wouldn't be a big deal. We may go again this morning with Jill; I haven't heard back yet, but she offered to help with Liam if we wanted to go.

My belly button has never really popped out during pregnancy. The closest it came was with the triplets, which is understandable since I was bigger with them that I will ever be again. Even then, it was just sort of half-raised a very little bit. With Liam, it just got a little shallow. This time, I can see it trying to invert a little, but only because of the scars from the surgery. I can see in places where the scar line has moved out a little bit, and in one spot it has a little raised lip inside that scar line.

Less than a month until my birthday. And pretty much anytime after my birthday is "legal." I still can't wait, but I've gone so long now without this seeming "real" to me that now I'm starting to panic a little about not being prepared. That sounds a bit silly, coming from a mother of four already, but remember that we weren't planning on this one until just a few months before we made it. I have no baby clothes, I have no bottles, I have no pump, I have no newborn diaper covers...all of that got tossed.

I had another birthing dream. It was brief, but good. It was very nice to finally have another one. I've been asking for one for about five or six months, since I had the last ones.

I've been taking childbirth classes again. On the surface, it seems pretty silly. I know I'm definitely not learning anything I didn't already know. My purpose in doing it was just to spend more time in the birth center. I realized sometime about a month or so ago that I was getting flat-out terrified every time I went in there for a visit. That can't work for birth, you can't have a good birth if you're panicked.